Waiting: How to make it easier and less painful

Today I want to talk about everybody's favorite topic:

Waiting. 

Ugggghhhhhh… waiting. 

It’s uncomfortable.

It makes us feel fitful. 

Itchy. 

Trapped in ourselves. 

Before smartphones, waiting looked like pure discomfort expressed in human form. 

The closest we can get to the pre-smartphone world without time traveling is to envision a hospital waiting room without cell service. 

People pace. 

Twitch.

Go outside and chain smoke.

Cross their legs. 

Cross their legs the other way. 

Stand up and cross their arms. 

Go for a walk. 

Sit back down. 

Stare at a television. 

Stare out the window. 

Stare at the floor. 

Eat a bag of chips.

Eat a bag of cookies.

Eat a bag of M&Ms. 

Talk about nothing. 

Talk about anything. 

Space out. 

Flip through a magazine without reading any articles.

Ask the attendant for any updates. 

It’s exhausting. 

These behaviors all demonstrate ways we avoid the energetic overload and pain of uncertainty. 

Waiting IS freaking uncomfortable.

It IS painful.

And we’re all in this uncomfortable waiting room together- yet isolated - right now. 

Some of you may have enough distractions (kids, work, daily stress) that you’re just moving from one thing to the next and the worry doesn’t creep in as easily. But when it does, it hits you like a ton of bricks. 

You may be thinking “I am so tired and so worn out, when is this going to be over?” 

Some of you may be having the opposite experience (isolation, unemployment, a lot of time on your hands) and so you’re finding your mind wandering in negative directions that make you feel terrible. And it’s slow and steady like water wearing down a rock. 

You may be thinking “I am so alone and so scared and everything is so uncertain and I really need a hug, when is this going to be over?” 

Everyone is suffering, each in their own way. 

Let’s just take a moment to acknowledgment that this is freaking hard for everyone. 

Exhale… 

Okay. 

Before we go on, a note for the pessimists and realists in the group: I really want you to keep reading this post. This is not Pollyanna talk. This is mental training that could really serve you. 

Now...

When you’re in a crisis, you have little control.

You are being forced to wait and there are two ways to approach what’s happening to you:

You can dive into the daydream.

Or —

You can dive into the nightmare.

This is a choice. 

Whichever way you steer your mind is a decision. And it takes practice to keep your mind steered in a way that serves you. 

We’ve all had to wait on things. 

• Exam results. 

• Lab results. 

• Results to see if we’re pregnant. 

• Results to see if we got the house. 

• Results to see if our pet is going to be okay. 

• Results to see if the cancer has come back. 

• Results to see if that new person you’re dating is going to friggin’ text you back or not. 

We’ve all had practice waiting, but it’s never looked quite like this kind of waiting. 

Never on this scale. 

Some people handle waiting easily. 

Waiting is MUCH harder for many of us.

A mind left unattended can stir up all KINDS of terrifying what-if scenarios. 

Worry is like an oil slick on a steep incline. Once you step in it, you’re sure to go down. 

And honestly, it IS good to figure out what you would do in a worst-case scenario. Once you’ve got it figured out, you need to close that book and put it high on the shelf and focus on envisioning the exact opposite: the best-case scenario. 

My mental game in crisis usually runs the following course: 

1. Be responsible. I look at the situation and analyze what I need to do to ensure that I’m making the best choices for my family and myself.

2. Tune into my intuition. I’ve listened to the authorities at this point, now what does my inner wisdom say. Sometimes there is conflicting information there. When in doubt, I trust my gut.

3. Take clear-headed action (as best I can in a crisis) taking all of those factors into account.

4. After all of that business is taken care of, I let myself feel: I fall apart, sleep, cry, mope, stare.

5. Then, when there is just the waiting time left, I use all of THAT mental energy to daydream about the most wonderful things I can imagine for myself.

6. I take a cue from those daydreams to read and learn and plan for the future.

7. Repeat again and again and again until the crisis is over.

See that progression?

It’s not irresponsible or Pollyanna-like or some form of blatant denial. 

Daydreaming is a mental strategy for waiting.

If you were raised in a household where the adults coped by worrying about worst-case scenarios you may have learned that way of coping too.

The message your young mind absorbed may have gone something like this:

• WHEN SOMETHING GOES WRONG, YOUR JOB AND YOUR RESPONSIBILITY IS TO WORRY ENDLESSLY.

• THAT IS WHAT YOU DO.

• THAT IS WHAT WE DO.

• OTHER CHOICES WOULD BE FRIVOLOUS AND IRRESPONSIBLE.

• THE END.

You may have learned that because that’s what the adults modeled for you.

But… when you look at it now, is that philosophy true?

Does worrying work? 

In my opinion, worry is the equivalent of revving an engine on a car stuck in park; it only serves to wear the car down and eventually burn up the engine. 

I’ve found that when I worry it actually makes the eventual outcome and the waiting process even more excruciating.

Worry does not help anything.

It’s self-injuring.

The other side of diving into the daydream is that you have to actively steer your thoughts away from the nightmares.

Depending on your upbringing you may need to steer a bit harder into the best-case scenarios.

That’s okay. This is mental (and emotional) training.

I want to stop and take a moment to say these things as well:

1. This is my system. It works for me. It may not work for you. We are all different. Trust yourself.

2. I have taught this system to other people who have been in terrifying situations where they had to wait and wait and sit in uncertainty. This system really helped them.

3. It’s worth trying. You’ve got the time. Your body will thank you if you stop worrying for even one minute.

4. This is a freaking pandemic. Do what you can.

Now, what about YOU?

If you were to take a conscious reprieve from the nightmares, what would you be daydreaming about?

Were you satisfied with your pre-quarantine life?

Now that you have a moment to look back on that life, were there things you were doing that weren’t good for you?

Perhaps in a way you didn’t realize?

If you could make a fresh start — and I think many may have to make a fresh start after we are out of lockdown — what would you do?

What have you always wished you could do, but didn’t?

What would excite you?

What would make your eyes shine with delight? 

In your pre-quarantine life, were you making decisions based on what you wanted for yourself and your loved ones, or were you making them based on what everyone expected you to do? 

Were you happy? 

Stop for a moment and reflect on it. 

You don’t have to know all the answers to these questions. You can just let them roll around in your mind for a while. 

Also!

If you’re just barely hanging in there and you have no energy to do anything other than get through the day? 

Just get through the day. 

That is good enough. 

I’d love to hear what you’re musing about. 

Or if you have another system that works for you, I’d love to hear that too. 

Tell me about it in the comments. 

Big big big big big hugs. 

Until next time,

Rebecca*

PS: I'm planning on sharing more about this next week, but the Spirit world has been incredibly insistent with me for days. I've been spending my days in and out of trance and they will not let me be. If you're getting the inclination to work with me, please do me and your guides and loved ones a favor and reach out. They want to connect with you. <3