The real culprit behind your stuckness

I know what you're thinking.

It’s you.

You’re the culprit behind your own stuckness.

Psh. Yeah!

That was easy to figure out.

NEXT TOPIC.

You’re funny.

Sure, Gina. You’re the culprit.

And yes — it's true that we are all responsible for our progress in life.

But also no.

YOU are not the culprit.

Sorry honey.

Read on.

We talked last week about how when you say you’re ‘stuck,’ you’re actually scared.

And then we talked about baby steps to move forward from that scared place. (You can read that post here.)

Now let’s talk about what happens in your brain when you’ve done your research and you start thinking about making a choice.

Because that’s the next place where people get scared and call it stuck.

In fact, change can be so hard because it’s a series of scared, stuck places. Each decision related to that change feels like a hurdle you have to clear.

I so wish y’all could see me try to jump a hurdle in real life...

*shaking my head at the infinite hilarity of that scene*

ANYWAY.

You have been trained, (oftentimes by the people who raised you or by authorities in school, sports, or in your chosen religion) to THINK in a limited way.

This kind of thinking stops you in your tracks.

Here’s how it goes: (I'm going to use the collective we here.)

When we are looking to make a change in our lives, we often narrow our next step down to two choices: We can take path A or we can take path B.

Then we spend a lot of time hemming and hawing and wringing our hands about what is the RIGHT CHOICE.

There are so many spoken and unspoken factors that make something the right choice.

These factors are different for everyone.

We may spend weeks, months, or even years thinking about whether we should take path A or path B.

We ask our family, our friends, our therapists, our online community - we even ask strangers - “What would you do in my situation?”

Or sometimes we don’t ask anyone and we just quietly stew on it and stew on it and stew on it.

Sometimes people will offer suggestions to whether we should take path A or path B - EVEN IF WE NEVER ASKED FOR THEIR OPINION.

*head tilt with a smile*

That’s so nice.

*cough, cough* sarcasm

When we finally DO make a choice, we often don’t feel very confident with the choice we’ve made!

We may CONTINUE to wring our hands and hem and haw and think about the OTHER path, wondering if we made the right choice.

Doubting ourselves.

Questioning ourselves.

Not pouring our whole self into the path we’ve chosen.

Many times people get stuck at the fork in the road, they sit down, get some snacks and binge-watch show after show on Netflix.

For years.

Now listen.

This doesn’t happen all the time.

Many of you make choices, you move forward with them, you feel jazzed that you’re on a new path.

Yes! LIFE IS GOOD. You feel like you are on track.

*jumping jazz hands*

(because we don’t do jumping high fives any more)

- because germs -

I’m not talking about those kinds of decisions.

Those decisions were clear.

I’m talking about the HAND WRINGERS.

The ones that make you go, “You know what I need right now? Tacos. And a Frosty. And some cheese puffs. And a small pack of powdered doughnuts. For starters.”

Oh, is that just me?

JK: I don’t eat doughnuts.

I’m talking about the BIG decisions, y'all. The decisions that make you freak all the way out, get you all the way scared, and then feel all the way stuck.

That whole pattern I walked you through is called a No-Win Decision Model.

And to put it frankly and quite articulately, it sucks.

Because surprise, surprise!

YOU NEVER FEEL LIKE YOU WIN.

Booooooo!

Even when you choose, you don’t feel like you’ve won because you keep second-guessing yourself.

You get caught up in perfectionism.

You get caught up in wanting to avoid the what-will-everyone-think shame.

You get caught in the myth of having it all together.

You get caught up in the safe coziness of your comfort zone.

You get caught up in the fear of doing it wrong or choosing wrong or looking like you did it wrong.

You get caught up in not getting the approval that you secretly really crave.

And it’s that No-Win model that is the real culprit behind your stuckness.

It is so - incredibly - exhausting.

And so to avoid ALL that - you do nothing. Which makes total sense!

So how the heck do you EXTRICATE yourself from that emotional hot mess?

You retrain your thinking. *Cheshire cat grin* Y’all know I love some mental training.

THE NEW MODEL for making decisions is!

The NO LOSE DECISION MODEL.

Ta DAAAAAAA!

Here’s how it works:

You have two choices: path A and path B.

Instead of making a pro and con list for each path, you just make a PRO list for each path.

You RECOGNIZE that both paths are THE RIGHT PATH. They are just DIFFERENT paths.

Your life will be richer, more interesting, more fulfilling, more satisfying for choosing either one. They will just be richer, interesting, fulfilling and more satisfying in different ways and for different reasons.

So you make a choice.

You choose a path.

And then you crumple up the other path in your mind and throw it over your shoulder.

You commit 100% to the path that you’ve chosen. You stand in your confidence about the path that you’re on. You celebrate the ways that that choice is the right choice. You do not run around asking for other people’s opinions. You do not wring your hands, because there’s really nothing to worry about. You can’t lose. You get out of the not-good-enough mentality and into the this-is-right-for-me mentality. You stop pining over the "greener grass" of the decision you didn’t choose.

The grass is greener where you water it, honey.

Now — there is ONE IMPORTANT CAVEAT to this model.

Your gut.

If your gut is all: Choose path B! Take path B! PLEASE! PATH B!

And you’re like, “Mmm... I can’t lose. You know what? I’m gonna choose path A.”

Nope.

You will still be enriched and learn things - for sure - but that path will most likely be harder than it needed to be. Because you KNEW the best path for you and you ignored your own wisdom.

We’ve ALL done this. Be gentle with yourself. Now you know for next time.

I can hear some of you saying,

“But what if I make a choice, I commit to it fully, and then I figure out that it’s not right for me?”

Well, then my friend, you pivot.

PIVOT!

#friendsreference

And you use the No-Lose model to move forward from there.

See?

You really cannot lose.

You just keep growing.

WHAT A RELIEF!

Okay lovelies! Let’s recap:

1. Just like I said last time, when you say you’re stuck, you’re most likely scared.

2. When you're ready to make a decision between two choices, use the No-Lose model.

3. Make a choice. Commit to it fully. Trust that it’s the right choice. Let the other choice go.If you chose a path and then realize it’s not the right one, pivot! Use the No-Lose model to go forward from there.

4. The one caveat to the No-Lose Model is to TRUST YOUR GUT.

5. Remember that the grass is greener where you water it, so water the grass you’re standing on!

If you want to learn more about the No-Lose model, you MUST pick up the book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, by Susan Jeffers Ph.D. I learned this whole mindset shift from her.

Warning: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway is a LIFE CHANGING book.

So buckle up and go buy it.

And hey...

Buy it from an independent bookstore. You can check out a few places - not owned by Amazon - to buy it online here.

Shout out to my sister, Teresa Kane (follow her on Insta @teresakane) for not only being my AMAZING editor but for always reminding me to buy from the independent bookstores in the country.

THANK YOU, SIS!

Now - I’d love to hear your comments about the No-Lose model.

Are you at a fork in the road right now?

What are the No-Lose options for you?

Tell me about it in the comments!

I read and respond to every one.

Until next time.

Rebecca*

PS: Every time you share this post an angel gets its wings. ;)