How to have a better holiday

Ah… the holiday season. 

Isn’t it interesting that all of the days surround the holidays can be kinda awesome, but then you get to the actual DAY and you suddenly feel… I don’t know…

• Panic

• Dread

• Fear

• Loathing

• Anxiety

• Resentment 

• Confusion

• Sadness

• Worthlessness

Just to name a few extra fun emotions. 

I’m not saying your family isn’t great, I bet there are wonderful things about your family.

I’m not bagging on tradition. Big fan of holiday traditions over here.

And I’m not saying that a gathering where food is the main event isn’t fun. Again. Love food. Love people. Love a good gathering.

What’s not to like?

But here’s the crazy thing that happens when you do the same thing year after year. 

You stop living in the present moment and start re-living the past.

It's present day holiday time, but all of sudden you’re back at twelve when your Aunt Margaret made an off-handed comment about your hair that you NEVER FORGOT because you were freaking TWELVE and any comment about your appearance seared itself into your brain for eternity. 

Or you’re back at twenty-nine and your fiancé made an inappropriate joke that made your siblings and mother shoot you a look that screamed “You’re marrying THIS guy?” 

Or you’re back at thirty-seven when your one brother wasn’t talking to your other brother because of some, admittedly, stupid argument and everyone was trying to be cool—but things were decidedly NOT COOL—and everyone could feel it. 

When you walk into a holiday gathering, it can feel like you’re walking into every past gathering you’ve ever attended.  

And that means EVERY person who’s walking into the gathering is ALSO walking in bringing along all of their past memories, their past hurts, their complex dynamics with them too.

No wonder the actual DAY of a holiday can feel like SO. FREAKING. MUCH.

[Side bar: If you have magical holiday gatherings every year and you’re reading this and thinking “What is this woman TALKING about?” Consider yourself blessed. You may skip the rest of this newsletter or read on to learn about how the rest of us live.]

So what do you DO if you want to stop replaying the same old patterns at your holiday gatherings this year?

First off, check your mindset. Are you gearing up for your holiday gathering to be awful—”just like every other year”?

Here are some things you can say to yourself instead. I’m open to being pleasantly surprised. I’m going to do my best to take care of myself on this day. I know that whatever happens with other folks (adults), that’s not my problem and they can work it out themselves. I’m going to enjoy myself this year. 

Next, when you get to the actual holiDAY, imagine walking through the door (either physically, if you’re going to someone’s house or metaphorically, if you’re hosting) and stepping into a blank world. You’ve never been here before. Everything is new and unwritten and fresh. There are unlimited positive ways that things can play out. YOU get to be curious and see what happens!

In this space, you get a hall pass to allow yourself to be different. You can energetically give a hall pass to allow other people to be different.

See if you can start creating a new experience in the moment instead of time traveling to the past and falling into old patterns.

Next, tune into what you want to do.

One of the things I see with people on holidays is that some people do exactly what they want to do and other people do what they think they should do. This message is for the should-do folks. 

What would happen if you took a break, went into the bedroom or the bathroom, closed the door and tuned into what you wanted to do that day? Do you need to take a walk, alone? Do you want to watch a movie in the guest room? Do you want to leave the table when politics comes up and go start a game of cards in the other room? Do you want to avoid that one person who always seems to trigger the hell out of you? Do you want to start a new tradition?  

You can do that.

Permission *STAMP* granted!

It’s YOUR DAY TOO, love. 

There are so many rules and rigid ways of being on holidays that we can internalize during childhood that really no longer apply after we’re adults. 

It’s okay to step out of the box and do something different.

It’s okay to change the dynamic by changing the way you respond and interact on this day.

It’s okay to leave early. (It is.) And not give any excuse or reason or then I’m/we're tapped out. 

For this holiday season I’m sending you TONS OF ROOM to make the day new, fresh and good for you.

And listen, if the holiday ends up being like every other holiday this year, and that's freaking hard. I see you. You didn't do anything wrong. You now have some tools now to practice during upcoming gatherings. Every little change is cumulative. Next year you can always try again during the holidays. I promise.

Okay... hang in there love.

I'm sending you a cozy sweater hug and a mug of something warm!