How to deal with that ash-hole in your life.

You know the one.

That neighbor that always gives you a hard time about your tree limbs hanging over his fence.

Or the boss that tells you to write down that you work forty hours every week and then explains that he actually expects you to work forty-five.

Or the ex-partner who somehow manages to make your life JUST THAT MUCH HARDER every time you go to pick up the kids.

[CUE EXASPERATED EYEROLL]

UGGGGGGHHHHHH.

We all have had someone who drives us UP the wall, who pushes ALL our buttons, and who we have to keep interacting with.

They can make life hard.

I’m not talking about people who are clearly abusive.

The way to deal with an abuser is to get away from them and stay away from them, immediately.

If you need to get professional help and support to get away from an abusive person, get it, please.

Do not wait.

For this post, I’m talking about the garden variety person who drives you crazy.

It can even be that jerk in the Lexus who cut you off in traffic.

But before we get into it, disclaimer alert!

Some of you may not know, but I am a seasoned energy work practitioner, and I offer advice from a spiritual standpoint as well...

But I am no therapist.

So - as I always say when we start talking about working on ourselves - keep going to therapy.

Now that that's clear, let’s get into WHY this person is SO FREAKING hard to deal with in the first place.

Or in other words, why do they cause so much pain?

Because that’s what’s happening, right?

Interacting with this person is a one-way ticket to Trigger City, yes?

Yes.

And those triggers cause PAIN. And that pain, left unchecked, can cause a reaction.

One phrase or look from this person can make you feel instantly angry, victimized, disappointed, outraged, ignored, abandoned, infuriated <<<< all the SUPER-MEGA-CHARGED feelings.

WHY are we feeling this pain? Well, in my experience as an EFT practitioner, we're usually re-experiencing a past trauma where we:

• did not have the words to respond to the experience

• did not have the personal power or authority to remove ourselves from the experience

• did not feel safe to respond in an empowering manner

• did not have the emotional maturity to reframe the experience

And when those experiences (or even situations moderately close to that original experience) recur in our current adult lives, we feel the pain of that original experiences over and over again. Eeeeeeek. What FUN. Lemmetellya.

I use a number of different energy work techniques for dealing with difficult people in life, but we’re going to focus on a few basic tips that you can use RIGHT now.

First up! Taking a mindfulness approach.

When someone pushes your buttons (intentionally or unintentionally), you may have a visceral, physical response.

For example, when I feel betrayed, I start to physically tremble.

My core body temperature drops, but my face flushes hot.

I get that sinking feeling in my stomach.

I feel like a trap door has opened up beneath me and I'm plunging downwards through space.

And then, to make things even more exasperating, my mind begins to spin the worst possible stories about what I’ve just experienced.

The story always stars me as the victim and the bad guy perpetrator as the villain.

It's decidedly black and white.

How do we address this situation mindfully?

Well.

Step one is to get yourself BACK into your body and get your physical systems regulated so you can THINK clearly again.

Here's what you do:

• I’ve talked about naming the colors of three objects and then stating "I am here." You can read about it in more detail in this blog post. I USE THIS TECHNIQUE REGULARLY. Please start trying it. It’s unbelievable how quickly it helps.

• Start taking slow, deep, and focused belly breaths. Focused breathing really helps you come back to your center.

• Calm yourself by identifying all the sensations in your body. Feel the cool air rush in through your nostrils. Notice the sensation of your legs on your chair. Do a body scan and notice where you’re holding tension.

These are straight-up mindfulness techniques and they work to get you back in the present moment.

When you feel like you’re closer to a calm homeostasis physically, step two is to identify the story you are telling yourself that’s making you feel awful — and then reframe it.

I learned this wonderful quote at a Oneness training. I found it to be so profound.

The suffering is in the story.

The suffering is in the STORY.

It's the story that we're spinning in response to this person that's causing us so much pain.

The other person is not actually causing us pain. WE are causing us pain. So we must change the story because THAT is why we are feeling so horrible.

Easier said than done, I know.

BUT I NEVER SAID THIS WAS EASY, DID I?

I did not.

Alrighty.

Let’s practice!

Say that your ex says something disdainful about you in front of the kids when you’re dropping them off.

One not-good-feeling-story you can tell is:

Why is he such a jerk? Doesn’t he know that it makes me upset when he picks a fight in front of the kids? And of course, I can’t be the one to respond, because I have to be the bigger person. But then if I don’t respond, I look weak in front of our daughter. And what's more, this WHOLE situation is setting a bad example for our son on how men should treat women. I just can’t win with him. UGH! What an ASH-HOLE!

So.

I’m fabricating this scenario, but you can just feel the negative angst pouring out from that story, can’t you?

Blech. Shake that off.

Okay, let’s try a different, better-feeling-story:

Wow. If he’s acting that way he must be really hurting right now. I know people only lash out angrily like that when they’re hurt. I wonder what’s going on with him. I really don't like being treated that way, especially in front of the kids. It sets a bad example in so many ways. I guess I could ask him if he’s doing okay. Or I could just let him be for now. I know whatever’s going on it’s not about me and just about something he’s dealing with right now. Maybe I’ll let him cool off for a bit and then ask if he wants to talk about how that kind of interaction doesn't work for me. Then we can address how to discuss it with the kids. And if that's too much, we can talk about it in therapy next time.

Different story. Different feeling.

Did you notice how much calmer the second story felt?

There was no reactive energy.

She didn’t take it personally.

She dropped into a place of compassion and empathy, yet she kept her boundaries intact.

She changed the story and saw his suffering instead of putting herself into a place of suffering.

[Again, I DO NOT SUGGEST YOU DO THIS IN RESPONSE TO ABUSE. IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. TO KNOW YOUR BOUNDARIES. AND TO SEE WHERE SOMEONE ELSE'S PAIN IS HURTFUL TO YOU VERSUS WHERE THEIR PAIN IS JUST THAT: THEIR PAIN.]

Sitting here writing this I can do this gentle, non-attached reframe, no problem.

In fact, I’m basically a mindfulness PRO in pretty much all hypothetical situations.

Put me in the heat of the moment though and WHOO BOY.

I do not have as easy a time.

But this kind of mental turnaround can be done.

It takes practice, but you can do it.

I have other methods, specifically working on past events that are supercharged, working to heal the harsh voice of your inner critic, working to regain your personal power to stand up to bullies, but that’s more intensive work and will have to wait for another time to talk about that.

For now, start with this approach!

Try it and see how things start to shift for you.

I’d love to hear who and what you’re dealing with in the comments.

AND — tell me what’s a struggle for you right now!

I’ve got loads of tools and tips to share, but I want to write more of what you want to read. :) Until next time, Rebecca*

PS: Share this any literally any human you know. We all struggle with someone in our life who triggers us. <3